Competitive Eating is a Sport?
This just in from the world of competitive eating!
Takeru “Tsunami” Kobayashi, the former king of Ball Park Franks consumption, is out of action for his upcoming hot-dog-eating contest on July 4th because he has a sore jaw. Nooooooo! Say it ain’t so!
Apparently Kobayashi set the hot-dog-eating world record last year in New York by consuming 53.75 wieners. But his record was destroyed recently by an obviously more talented and motivated competitive eater rival who consumed 59.5 hot dogs in the same time span besting Kobayashi by almost 6 links! That just might be an insurmountable lead.
You know it’s a slow time of year in the sport and athletic world when eating contests take up about 10 minutes of Sportscenter. It also demonstrates how the national media can create a national story line when there isn’t one.
How in the world can eating contests be classified as athletic events? How does an individual realize they have potential in this sport, “Look mom, I can swallow my food whole without chewing it up! I like to compete when I eat!” To which mom says, “Great! I’ll get you a tryout with the local competitive eating team.”
Can you imagine competitive eating becoming an established sport in our public schools? “Mr. Jones, would you please be our eating coach?”
How about NCAA sanctioned for colleges and universities….”Those USC Trojans can really put a lot of eating pressure on you! They’re ranked #1 in the coaches poll. And check out those uni’s!”
Should competitive eating be a varsity or club sport? What are the scholarship allotments and recruiting budgets? Are the dining hall facilities adequate? Fly or bus? So many hard decisions.
And you thought gymnastics, pole vaulting, and cheerleading are high risk activities. Looks like that $75,000.00 deductible the NCAA provides for catastrophic injuries just went up!
What would be required for the Competitive Eater Pre-Participation Physical examination? Lets see….
1) adequate gag reflex inhibition
2) normal TMJ extension and overall ROM
3) ulcer free stomach and esophagus linings
4) history of normal daily bowel movements
5) prescription of antacids
6) a love of hot dogs
Now the coach would certainly have to be certified to direct the competitive eater program. If cheerleaders are required to have a certified coach (and they are) then the competitive eating coach needs to be certified as well. Academic preparation and requirements for certification include:
1) Over-Eating Applied Anatomy
2) CPR Certification with Advanced Airway Obstruction clearance endorsement
3) Methods and Techniques of Food Swallowing
4) Care and Prevention of Overeating Injuries
5) Wiener Consistency and Texture-101
6) Strength and Conditioning for the Competitive Eater
7) History of Overeaters Anonymous
Winning Binge-Purge Techniques
9) Complete 500 hour internship with a Certified Competitive Eating Program
So what’s all the hype with Kobayashi slamming down 60 franks to re-gain the world hot-dog-eating title? Wish I could say but don’t think I’ll be chewing my nails off with anticipation. Time heals all jaw wounds so maybe he will recover sufficiently to put his best bite forward.
This will probably be broadcast on Pay-Per-View. Hey, fake “wraslin” is on Pay-Per-View!
Putting these highlights on an entertainment channel is one thing but I’d prefer they be left off of the sports broadcasts. They have nothing to do with sport and athletics. This ranks right up there with competitive paintball. These guys are just a stuck chicken bone away from simulating a tap out from a rear naked choke on Ultimate Fighting Championship.
I never wanted my kids to play soccer until now!
Help a kid smile, today. It’s a Win, Win!
Ike
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